Mom to the Fey

…in the innocent sense, of course!

I occasionally get an extreme urge to crochet or sew, especially when my brain is working overtime on something. This time around, the urge was definitely to crochet. I played around with a couple of projects, started DTTF's Doctor Who scarf (which I may frog and start again with a larger hook), and made a scarf for a wonderful friend, Sash. Then I came across a beautiful dragonfly afghan filet crochet pattern.

Now, as I've mentioned before, I associate dragonflies with Tree Faerie and always have, so when I saw this pattern, I just knew it had to be created for her. I picked out a pretty frosty green for the main color and found a shade of purple and a variegated yarn that compliment the green well. After I got my yarn home and looked at the pattern again, I decided to add a touch of yellow to the mix as well.

I started working on the project a week ago, and since I am learning a new crochet technique with this pattern, I had to frog (rip out) a couple of rows because I couldn't correct certain errors without doing so. I finally made up my own notes to work with in order to ensure that I didn't get lost in the pattern, and since then have completed an average of 2 rows a night. I'm now 40% done with the center panel.

I am so excited about this project! I promise to post pictures when I'm done. The picture of the original pattern can be found here. This project has a lot of promise. I don't know if I'm going to add one layer of border or two. It all depends on the size once I'm done with the first border. I am considering putting the afghan away after I'm done so I can present it to her when she's older and will appreciate it more – maybe as a gift for when she turns 5. DTTF also suggested hanging it on her wall. I'll have to ponder that, because hanging it unsupported may stretch the stitches.

I'm also pondering converting knit patterns into Tunisian crochet. Since many knit stitches can be replicated to a certain degree with Tunisian crochet, this should not be difficult. It's like putting a puzzle together, but instead of having the original pieces, you have to make your own.

Do you ever get the feeling your brain works TOO much?

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Monday, August 4, 2008

"Oooh, the Pretty Trees!"

After all is said and done, the past weekend was absolutely wonderful. Only two things went as planned, and everything else was shaken, tossed into the air, and allowed to fall freely. The result was something beautiful, meaningful, and fulfilling. We were able to provide sleeping space to friends who suddenly were without, thus we also spent valuable visiting time. Due to scheduling conflicts which resulted in a lack of participation, a previous engagement was cancelled, leaving us with a free afternoon. The weekend was wrapped in love, family, friendship, and acceptance. Despite the continuing lack of sleep, I still feel refreshed and relaxed.

The cliché, "Can't see the forest for the trees," is one that has repeated in my mind several times over the past few months and even comes up in conversation. I am a detail-oriented person. I love detail. I love how all the little pieces fit together to make the big picture. Sometimes, however, I get so focused on those little details that I forget that those little pieces make up the whole world and that I have to view them collectively. In essence, I get stuck in the trees.

After nearly 28 years of life, I just recently noticed a pattern to my processes. If I find something to clean, something that has absolutely no relation to what is going on in my head, I am able to view the forest again. Creating order in a piece of my physical world helps my mind get out of its repeating loop. More order in my physical space creates more order in my mental, emotional, and spiritual spaces. When things are not in order, I feel disjointed, disconnected, overwhelmed, unfocused, somewhat pessimistic, and emotionally chaotic.

In true Virgo fashion, I love to organize and categorize things. A place for everything and everything in its place, as the saying goes. Sometimes I get focused on other things and let clutter pile up, but when I go back and remove that clutter, leaving everything neat and orderly, everything in my life improves. One would think my house would be spotless. It is certainly not. However, when I get the urge to clean, I know it is in everyone's best interest if I give in to that urge.

A couple of bigger projects have been tackled and we've been keeping up with the routine projects fairly well recently. If I continue to use the energy created from my spiritual, mental, and emotional growth as fuel to get my physical space in order, and that order helps me to grow with fewer internal battles, then not only will I be a better, more stable woman, I will also have a cleaner, less cluttered home, car, and workspace.

I just have to keep reminding myself to look at the forest.

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Friday, August 1, 2008

Tick-Tock Goes the Clock

After pondering what I need versus what I want, I've come to the conclusion that while yes, there are basic needs and yes, there are many wants that are not needs, the two often interlink. For example, from my husband, I want time. I want good quality time, time when we enjoy each other's company and show our appreciation for one another. In order for our partnership to work, this also becomes a need. This is a need of the relationship.

Not only do I want quality time, I also need time to discuss issues and feelings and general life views. While communication time can also be quality time, sometimes it does not fit into the category of quality time because if the discussions are tense and the issues are not resolved, then the need for quality time was not fulfilled due to the topic of conversation and the abundance of overwhelming emotion.

Sometimes time has to be set aside as quality time, especially when one or both of us are dealing with an issue. If time has to be set aside to simply enjoy each other's company, then the issues have to be tabled until after the need for quality time has been satisfied. If all our time is spent discussing issues, then the need for quality time gets neglected. When our quality time need is neglected and we are not making sure the other person knows they're appreciated, then the communication attempts suffer and thus, the relationship suffers.

Sometimes quality time can be spent with other people, but it is also important to have quality time alone as well. As parents, our alone time is already limited to times when either our child is asleep or in someone else's care. As active and social individuals, and as an active and social couple, this limits our alone time even more.

I often feel time is not on my side and feel overwhelmed by my list of things I need to do and the list of things I want to do. Time is one of my most difficult hurdles to overcome because I perceive it as very finite. I end up sacrificing sleep and other needs in order to fulfill my time needs with DTTF, both quality time and communication time.

When the usage of time is beyond my control, I feel the urge to try to control it. I try to develop a schedule. Even when looking over the next day or week or month, I try to know what's coming and be prepared, especially if I am having difficulty with internal issues. Dealing with difficult internal issues increases my need for quality, reassuring time. When I am feeling a strong desire to spend quality time and I am unable to see a time when we can have more than an hour alone and together without sacrificing all other needs, I feel anxious. I feel helpless. I feel alone.

For years, DTTF and I did almost everything together. I knew that the time when we weren't working would most often be spent together. While he's always had the freedom to do other things with his time besides spend it alone with me or together as a couple, he usually chose to spend his time with me. Now things have changed. Many things have changed.

Having a child changed how we spend a lot of our time. Because Tree Faerie is unable to provide for herself, one if not both of us have to provide for her needs, except for those occasional times when she is in someone else's care. Therefore, there are often social events that we cannot attend together because one of us has to stay home with our daughter. Also, having a child makes it difficult to stay up all night talking or playing games because our daughter insists that I get up in the morning. I know things won't always be this way, however this is the way things are right now.

Because our social needs are also changing and becoming more apparent, this affects our alone time in that we don't get as much alone time.. We get more social time. Because of my feelings of being overwhelmed often cause me to not want to be social as often as DTTF, I end up spending time alone instead of alone with him. Even when a friend or few come over to our house as opposed to DTTF going out, when I'm not feeling the desire to be social even with close and intimate friends, I usually extract myself. If I don't extract myself, I often react in a curt and irritable manner. Removing myself from the situation is safer for all involved, especially when we would like the friendship to continue.

Occasionally we get wonderful quality time together, as we did last weekend. One would think this would be enough, but this is one of those needs that constantly must be replenished. Sometimes the satisfaction lasts longer than others. During difficult times, however, the satisfaction of the need being fulfilled does not last very long.

I hate asking for more quality alone time, especially when I think or know he would prefer to be during a time I am wanting to be alone. I often feel that I am too needy and ask for too much. I get into a downward spiral of self-destruction because I don't want to ask for what I think I need or what I want, especially if I am afraid of disappointing him because I am needy. I also hate asking for quality alone time because I know he has other commitments to fulfill – mundanely, spiritually, and socially. I don't want his other commitments to suffer.

I was hoping that typing this out would help me process it and find a solution to change the way I'm feeling without having to ask for more. I am stuck, though. I don't know where to go from here, so instead I'll leave you with a few quotes about growth:

Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots. – Frank A. Clark

"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security." – Gail Sheehy

"All growth depends upon activity. There is no development physically or intellectually without effort, and effort means work." – Calvin Coolidge

"In studying the history of the human mind one is impressed again and again by the fact that the growth of the mind is the widening of the range of consciousness, and that each step forward has been a most painful and laborious achievement. One could almost say that nothing is more hateful to man than to give up even a particle of his unconsciousness. Ask those who have tried to introduce a new idea!" – Carl Jung

"There is a wide world out there, my friend, full of pain, but filled with joy as well. The former keeps you on the path of growth, and the latter makes the journey tolerable." – R. A. Salvatore, Sojourn

"Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell." – Edward Abbey

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

The Figurine Has Been Shattered

From Dictionary.com: illusion – an erroneous perception of reality.

Because of my romantic ideals, I am prone to creating illusions regarding any and all relationships I build, especially when the other person or people feed into that illusion and ideal. Reality always manages to find a way to shatter that illusion into a million tiny pieces, much like a crystal figurine meeting a concrete floor. When I am the only one feeding the illusion, it is usually short-lived. However, when the illusion is created and upheld between two people, that illusion can last for years.

…At least until reality worms its way in.

One of my most precious illusions has been in the process of falling to the floor, although I couldn't tell which figurine was falling until it finally shattered. When it shattered, I wept even though I know that it is better to be without that illusion than to be dependent upon it. This was the catalyst for my research on needs. It turns out that I need my husband much less than I thought I did. I still want him, and he's still here. I mourned for the loss of the illusion because my realization means that he doesn't need me as much as I thought he did.

I now realize that wants are much more important in that regard. I want to share my life with him, and he wants to share his life with me. This is healthy. This is good. This is constructive.

This is real.

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Fundamental Human Needs

My ponderings today revolve around human "needs" and how those needs are interrelated. I am trying to objectively view my true needs to see if they are being met and how to meet them if they are not. I am also trying to clearly define my needs to help separate them from my wants. In order to be a healthy individual, needs must be met, whereas wants do not.

Experts mostly agree on what the fundamental human needs are, although there are varying presentations for these needs and how they're interrelated. Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often depicted as a 5-level (or 8-level) pyramid. The first 4 levels are what Maslow calls "Defit Needs" which, except for the first level comprised of the basic physiological needs, when these needs are not met, the body gives no indication physically but a person will feel anxious and tense.

These levels are developed in stages, starting from birth. An infant's focus is on the physiological needs, then safety, then attention, and later attention, all within the first couple of years. Of course, all of these needs require constant attention to a certain degree. If any of the lower needs are not being met, all needs that build upon it suffer until that need is once again satisfied. Also, if a child is faced with significant problems during development, such as extreme hunger, loss of a family member, or significant neglect or abuse, a person may fixate on the needs in that level for the rest of their lives. Neurosis may develop and cause the person to obsess about that need.

The first level is Physiological needs. This level is our basic survival instincts, including maternal instinct. These needs must be met in order to successfully meet any other needs. The physiological needs consist of homeostatic needs such as breathing, drinking, eating, and excretion. This need level also includes sleep, activity, and sex. If any of these needs are not met, the needs can control a person's thoughts and behaviors and can (and will) cause a person to feel sickness, pain, and discomfort.

The second level in Maslow's hierarchy is Safety and Security. A person must feel safe and secure from danger, to have predictability and order, and to have structure and stability. When these needs are not met, fear, anxiety, and concern are the reactions.

Social and Love needs make up the third level of the hierarchy. This level consists of emotionally-based relationships such as friendship, intimacy, and family. Ultimately, the third level is our need to love and be loved, to belong and to be accepted. Loneliness, depression, and social anxiety are reactions to this need not being met.

The fourth and last level of the Deficit Needs is Esteem. This can be broken into two categories – self-esteem and esteem or respect from others. While a person needs self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, achievement, and independence, which are all internal feelings, a person also needs respect, recognition, appreciation, and attention from others. Thwarting these needs brings out feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, low self-esteem, weakness, and helplessness.

The fifth level is comprised of Self-Actualization or Growth needs. According to Maslow, or at least my interpretation of what he says, the fifth level is not fully reached until the needs of the lower 4 levels are satisfied. Once a person reaches the self-actualization level, the needs on the lower levels are no longer prioritized. The needs on the lower levels are only temporarily re-prioritized when one or more of those needs are no longer being satisfied, and attention will be focused on the unfulfilled needs while still attempting to maintain all the other needs which have already been satisfied. If I understand correctly, once a person has reached the fifth level of needs and those needs are getting attention, they will always strive to be the best person they can be and to make the most of their abilities. Also, people can meet certain needs from the fifth level, such as creativity, even when other basic needs are not being met.

This level is broken down into 4 separate levels in the 8-level pyramid as Cognitive, Aesthetic, Self-Actualization, and Self-Transcendence. Cognitive is the need to know, understand, and explore. Aesthetic is the need to be surrounded by beauty and symmetry. Self-Actualization is the need to find self-fulfillment and realize one's own potential. Finally, Self Transcendence is the need to connect with something beyond the ego and help others find self-fulfillment.

Clayton Alderfer took Maslow's Hierarchy and developed the ERG Theory. He took Maslow's 5 levels and lumped them into three categories: Existence Needs, Relatedness Needs, and Growth Needs. Existence Needs are comprised of the first two levels of Maslow's Hierarchy. Relatedness Needs are comprised of the third level and the external esteem portion of the fourth level. Growth Needs are comprised of the internal esteem portion of the fourth level and the fifth level. Alderfer believes the ERG areas are not stepped in any way. He believes that the importance of these categories may vary for each individual.

In essence, we as human beings are complex creatures and have a lot of needs. Some of those needs can be met by outside sources, but most of them have to be recognized, realized, and fulfilled by each individual. The people with whom we choose to share our lives influence and affect how our needs are satisfied (or not). In order to be a healthy and whole person, one has to work to fulfill one's own needs in the most effective way possible without depending on another or others to fulfill them.

I have a lot to ponder.

References (ones that are not already linked above):

http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html

http://psychclassics.yorku.ca/Maslow/motivation.htm

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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Chapter 27

***Okay, so I decided I had to write about some of my recent experiences.***

Chapter 27 of the book that makes up my life is coming to a close, and this has been a tough chapter to write, especially the last few months. This is the time of my Saturn Return, and apparently I need to work on friendships, trust, security, and openness.

I have always had difficulty making lasting friendships, partially because I have been afraid to depend on anyone to actually be by my side when all is said and done. DTTF has really helped me learn to trust someone to be there. He's been the most dependable person in my entire book thus far.. Even though we may not always be able to listen to each other due to emotional or mental turmoil, we eventually do make it a point to understand the other person's perspective.

Over the past few months, he's proven to me time and time again that he really will be by my side. I take solace in knowing that he is just stubborn enough to stick with me even if only to prove a point. Through the ups and downs, no matter how scary or shaky things got, he has still been faithfully by my side, even when he doesn't agree with me or understand. There were times when I felt alone because he didn't agree or understand, but ultimately he was always right there. My emotions have been raging a war with my logical mind, and the war has been quite a struggle to endure. I've tried to be there for him during his turmoil as well, but I'm not sure how well I succeeded in doing so.

I have made some progress, though every time I seem to make progress, something happens that causes me to question how much progress I've really made. Progress is a dance of two steps forward and one step back, right? I'm getting tired of dancing. My feet are sore. I can't stop dancing, though, because to stop dancing would be to stop living, stop growing, stop learning, stop loving. I don't want to stop. I just need a break sometimes.

Discussing my emotions in a more objective and productive manner has become easier over the last couple of weeks. I've always been able to talk to DTTF about anything and everything, however I am the type of person who processes their thoughts and emotions externally. I used to hand him the raw emotion and the baggage that went with it, talk through it, and come to a conclusion. During the past few months, I've discovered that when I do that, he doesn't always retain the conclusion, only the raw emotion. I am now working on waiting until I have some sort of control over the emotion at hand and have started processing before talking to him. While this changes our relationship some, I don't see it as changing in a negative way. This communication technique should help us avoid heated discussions. It doesn't always work that way because sometimes one of us gets defensive, which ends up making both of us defensive.

I'm also trying to move away from using negative language when speaking of myself, my decisions, and my emotions. I often beat myself up for "messing things up." I, of course, use a much more graphic term than 'messing' to describe it, but the message is still the same. When I suddenly have to take a step back, I feel like I've failed, that I've done something wrong. I'm trying to erase these words from my vocabulary. This has proven to be quite difficult, especially when I'm dealing with my own raw emotion.

The look of disappointment DTTF gets on his face sometimes when I prove I'm human dealing with human issues sometimes rips my heart out and stomps it in the ground. I find myself trying to do anything and everything to avoid that look. I am amazed at how much that one little look can tear me up so much. I love this man beyond words, and he inspires me to be a better person. I expect more of myself because of him, therefore when I'm disappointed in myself, I believe he's disappointed in me, too, which seems worse.

I know that to be a healthy person, a whole and complete person, I need to not depend on his approval so much. I also know I can't depend on him for my happiness. While being his partner, his mate, his equal, his wife makes me very happy, it makes me happy because I want to be those things. I am totally devoted, loyal and faithful to him, and I want him to feel the same for me. I know he does feel this way for me, although he expresses it differently.. He also occasionally wants different things from life than I do, pivotal things, things I don't fully understand. I will do what I can to give him what he wants while still maintaining some semblance of sanity. The sanity has been hard to hold on to lately.

As this chapter comes to a close, decisions have been made that affect the balance of our lives. While the decisions have caused hurt and pain, the decisions also offer hope and relief. Maybe this rollercoaster ride really is leveling off to get ready to stop at the boarding platform. I can't see where the track ends because the lights keep flashing on and off, and I'm almost afraid to hope for the ride to be over. What comes next?

Happiness is not a switch that can be turned on and off at will. While yes, someone can choose to be happy, sometimes it takes a while for the happiness to fully kick in. We have to work at happiness. If it was as simple as making the choice for happiness to be ON, then no one would be depressed anymore.

I leave you with thoughts of love and the different forms it takes:

6 Styles of Love

1. Eros Love – Passionate love.

2. Pragma Love – Love as logical and rational

3. Storge Love – Love as friendship

4. Agape Love – Altruistic, all-giving love

5.. Ludus Love – Love as a game

6. Mania Love – Possessive, dependant love

To read more about them, check go here and here.

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Dragonfly Cloth Test Pattern

She’s Crafty…