Fair-weather Friday

Since the sun is currently shining, I figure now would be a great time to shed some light, so to speak, on my current struggle with SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Technically, I'm only in the Winter Blues stage, however because I have dealt with some form of SAD since puberty, I know that preventative measures have to be taken now before it gets any worse.

SAD is found to be directly related to the amount of sunlight a person gets. As Fall changes to Winter and the sunlight becomes less intense, often coupled with long bouts of cloudy skies, some people experience depression, lethargy, social withdrawal, sweet and starch cravings, weight-gain, oversleeping and lack of focus, among other symptoms. The circadian rhythm is disrupted, which in turn affects a person's melatonin levels. Also, sunlight (or lack thereof) has been shown to directly affect a person's seratonin levels. Usually as Winter changes to Spring, these symptoms disappear. Some individuals experience SAD in Spring and Summer instead of Fall and Winter, marked by insomnia, irritability, weight-loss, and an increased sex drive.

Reverse SAD is when a person experiences mania or hypomania during the summer months. While many people are much happier during these months, people with Reverse SAD are also hyperactive and have an unbridled enthusiasm out of proportion to the situation.

SAD is something I've come to expect every Winter, and I try to prepare for it accordingly. I try to soak up as much sun (safely) as possible during the winter months, which is sometimes extremely difficult. I try to control what I eat without completely restricting myself from the sweets and starches. If I restrict myself, I know from past experiences that I'll binge on sweets to the point of making myself sick. By allowing myself little indulgences, the binges are prevented.

Exercise is very important, so I try to make myself do some sort of exercise every day, even if it's just 10 minutes of squats behind my desk at work. Of course, the catch-22 is that SAD also makes me lethargic, so I really have to MAKE myself do something. This is actually one of the hardest parts of coping with SAD.

I also usually take the winter months to complete fun crafts, particularly sewing or crocheting. I love crocheting because I get into a rhythm and pattern, which gives me a sense of order and control. This is really helpful when all the thoughts in my head are jumbled up, because sometimes I feel like I'm trying to listen to a crowd of voices while my head is in the fish tank. I know things are being said, but I can't really focus on any of the conversations because they're all kind of blended together.

This year the Winter Blues snuck up on me because I haven't really had time to think about myself. I have been so focused on Tree Faerie that I didn't take the preventative measures, so now I have to really take measures to pull myself out of this funk. I make myself exercise. I started crocheting an afghan. I soak up the sun. I will make it through the next 6 weeks.

Is it any wonder why I am drawn to a nature-based spiritual path? Nature has such an impact on my life. One of the things that really helps me through the winter is knowing that after Winter Solstice, I know for a fact that the days really are getting longer. At Imbolc (which is tomorrow, February 2nd), I know I only have 6 more weeks of winter before it is officially Spring. This knowledge makes it easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Not a Normal Woman

After a conversation DTTF and I had on Wednesday night that was later hit home by this post by Heather at Three Boys and Me, I have no choice but to admit that I am not a Normal woman. Here's why:

• I do not wear make-up. In fact, the only make-up I own is mascara and eyeliner. I have these items around JUST IN CASE the need to feel a little extra made-up arises. I honestly can't remember the last time I wore actual make-up all over my face. I recently read an article that stated that the average woman absorbs 4 lbs of chemicals from make-up a year. I absorb my 4 lbs from chocolate instead.



• I do not regularly use hair products besides shampoo and conditioner or spend much time on my hair at all. I don't even own hair spray. I know I have mouse under the bathroom sink, but I've only used it a few times in the past 6 years or so.



• I do NOT wear perfume. I'm allergic/sensitive to most of the perfumes on the market. I even sniff the shampoo and conditioner before I purchase them just to be sure they aren't overly scented.



• I rarely shave my legs. Granted, I am not a very hairy person. The hair on my legs grows in very fine and blonde. I do shave my pits once a week or so, and I keep certain other areas trimmed and neat, but I definitely count myself lucky.



• I don't get manicures or pedicures. In fact, I've never received a pedicure. On rare occasion I paint my fingernails or toenails, and when I do, it's always either a light color or a shocking color. If it's a shocking color, I usually take it off after a day or two. If it's a light color and it's on my toenails, it may wear off before I get around to taking it off.



• I don't sacrifice comfort for fashion. I own one pair of heels, and I can't remember the last time I wore them. I won't wear an outfit that is uncomfortable in any way. Before I purchase clothing, I always check the tag. If it is not machine washable, I put it back, no matter how cute I looked in it.



• The only "hose" I own are fishnets. I don't wear hose. On the off-chance that I must dress up and wear heels and hose, I'll go out and purchase a cheap pair. Because they're cheap, they usually have holes in them before the end of the night. I'll buy thigh-highs or knee-highs if I can get away with it.



• I don't buy cute bras. First-off, they usually don't have any in my size, either because everyone is that size or no one is. Second, see the comfort comment above. Once I find a bra that is comfortable, I usually buy at least 2 - one beige and one black. I wear them until they're practically falling apart.

That's just the list of appearance items we could come up with! We didn't even discuss my affinity for fart jokes and innuendos. I play video games, know the rules of football, and can skin dead animals properly. I don't watch chick-flicks because I really don't need a reason to cry.

My husband concurred that while I may not be a "normal" woman, I'm a real woman, and this is part of the reason he loves me so much. (insert the "awww" here)

So I took a test:

Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female. You are both sensitive and savvy. Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed. But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Tears at work are not good

I just depressed myself. I realized this is the first year since my miscarriage 7 years ago that I didn’t mourn on the anniversary of the day. It fell once again on Thanksgiving Day. This year I had a happy Thanksgiving with not only my daughter and my husband, but with Mom, Pop, and some extended family, too. Is this the first sign that I’m really moving on?

Wish It Was Friday

Can this week get any longer? I don't know if it's because of the time change or what, but this week has been dragging it's butt. Ugh. I know I don't like leaving work after dark, not because I'm afraid of the dark or anything. I don't like leaving after dark because I'm SOLAR POWERED! I don't get enough sunshine this way. I've done very well in the last few years to not get SAD (Seasonally Affected Depression), at least not as bad as I used to, but for some reason I can feel it coming on already.

I don't like Daylight Saving Time, but I would prefer we keep the DST setting on the clock instead of the regular setting. I like having more daylight in the evenings. I don't really care about the mornings. In the spring, I didn't mind that the President announced we would switch to DST early, but switching off of it late has thoroughly messed with me. And it's all due to the amount (or lack thereof) of sunshine in the evening.

So, now that I'm done complaining, on to other news...

I have over 1,500 words written in my book. Colorado Writer suggested I set a goal of 100 words a day. I immediately adopted the idea. Now, when I write 500 words, it feels like a great accomplishment. And since I'm only writing in my "spare time," I'm really glad I already have most of the story worked out in my head. It makes it easier to pick up where I left off. I'm getting less nervous about it as the story begins to unfold.

Speaking of books, I got an offer to review this children's book, and I can hardly wait for it to come in! In case I've never mentioned this before, I love doing reviews, though I usually don't do a full review without being asked to do so. I love books. I love to read them, to touch them, to smell them. Every single one of my bookshelves is overflowing with books, but I refuse to get another bookshelf because I really need to go through my books and donate the ones I don't plan to read again. I prefer fiction, though I've read a few non-fiction books that I liked. My problem with most non-fiction books is that I don't get carried through, therefore I lose interest. With a fiction book, I get carried along by the flow of the story, therefore I devour it as quickly as possible. I like light reads and heavy reads. I like many different genre's, though I'm not crazy about the romance novels full of emotional turmoil, heavy petting, then more emotional turmoil. I'm also not crazy about war stories. I love horror, fantasy, and science fiction.

I'm trying to instill my love for books in Tree Faerie. I don't know if it's working or not, but she loves to touch books (especially books she's not supposed to - like DTTF's school books), she loves to taste books (see previous note), and she loves to crinkle the pages of books (again, see previous note). I made a commitment to read to her every night before bed, no matter how many times we read during the day. We always finish with the same story, a book titled The Bear Snores On by Karma Wilson. One of the neat things about always finishing with the same story is I can tell she's starting to comprehend things differently. When we first started reading this story 7 months ago, she would "talk" and kick while I was reading it. As time passed, she started responding more to the actual story. Now she sits on my lap and "helps" me turn the page and touches the pictures. She knows when we're getting to the end of the story, and when the story is done, we have to close the book, turn it over, and rub the cover hard enough to make squeaky noises. Then she pushes the book away and we're ready for bed.

I have several books on the bookshelf that I'm keeping for her to read when she gets older, books I loved when I was younger. I just hope she has a love for reading!

To Be or Not to Be...

...pregnant, that is.

Before you ask, no, I'm not pregnant. I can hear a few sighs of relief from here, including my own. People keep asking me now that Tree Faerie is approaching 10 months if I plan on having anymore and if so, when.

My kid-free, rather eccentric friend has a hard time imagining us having another child because of all the 'stress' it would add. This particular friend is also an only child herself, and she's actually a good example of reasons to have more than one. I love my friend dearly, however she is rather spoiled and needs a lot of attention. I've met both of her parents, and they're wonderful people who loved their daughter with all their hearts and provided all they could for her (and still do).

I am not an only child. I'm the oldest of 5. My mom provided me with a half-brother, and my dad provided me with two half-sisters and one half-brother (who I haven't met yet, but he'll turn 7 in a few months). I grew up with my brother and only saw my sisters once or twice a year. My brother and I did not get along very well, but I still love him dearly.

My husband is not an only child, either. He has a wonderful younger sister who now has two boys, the newest of which was born on September 28th. When she was talking to DTTF about whether or not to have more, she told him that she definitely wanted another because of the relationship that she has with DTTF. She couldn't (or wouldn't want to) imagine life without him and wanted to provide her first son with the opportunity to have that sibling bond. When they were growing up, they may have fought and argued, but if anyone tried to pick on one of them, the other stepped in. I really admire their relationship.

I know I definitely want another one, but I don't want another one right now. I've done quite a bit of research on the subject - talking to people about their childhood experiences, their parenting experiences, and reading all I could get my hands on about childhood development and birth-spacing - and I think that if DTTF and I are going to try for another one, I'd like the child to be born when Tree Faerie is about 2 1/2. Otherwise, I'd prefer to wait until she's 4 or 5. I gave DTTF the heads up that about this time next year I will broach the subject of having another child. At first he panicked, which is why I brought it up now, and since then he's been doing little things to try and prepare.

Part of the reason I chose these time-frames is so that I don't miss any of Tree Faerie's milestones and hopefully can time it during one of the least-stressful growth periods. I know some stress is to be expected, but I'm hoping to make this as easy as possible.

Tree Faerie was planned, and well planned, I might add. We decided on a time frame for getting pregnant based on insurances and the like and saved up money to prepare for her arrival. Granted, there were a few things we didn't figure in, such as her contracting RSV when she was 2 months old or both of our ACs going out this summer, but we've made it and things are getting easier. We would like to plan for our next child even better.

So, until then, I will continue taking my little pink pill, and I'll continue to be careful when I forget to take my little pink pill. I know I'm very lucky that Tree Faerie came so easily to us, and I pray the next one is just as easy. If Tree Faerie is the only child I'm blessed with, though, I certainly will not be disappointed, for she is the perfect child for us.

Festivals and Family

This weekend is our annual Festival of Souls. DTTF and I are usually co-coordinators, but we've taken this year off to focus on more important things, like Tree Faerie. I've been a little nervous about this weekend for many different reasons. In no particular order:

• Because I consider this one of my babies, I tend to be overly critical when things don't go right (and of course, when I say 'right', I really mean 'the way I would do it'). I don't want to be overly critical. I want to relax and have a good time.
• Tree Faerie has been sick and not sleeping, therefore I have not been sleeping. No sleep for Mommy means a cranky Mommy. Cranky Mommy means I'm less likely to bite my tongue. See #1.
• I'm fat. Or at least I'm fat compared to 2 years ago, and especially compared to 5 years ago. Not that I really need to impress anyone there with my beauty and grace, but it would sure make me feel better if I weighed less. So, I'm self-conscious. Thankfully the people who love me do so for my personality, not just my looks. DTTF still tells me I'm beautiful, even more-so now that the baby weight is coming off more and more.
• Speaking of self-conscious, I got my hair cut again in the same style as last time, but the bad thing about natural curls is that I have no control over which way they curl. Thus it doesn't look the same. It looks better now than it did a week ago, but it doesn't look as good as it did the last time.
• As I mentioned before, Tree Faerie has been sick and not sleeping. What am I going to do if she's up every 45 minutes at FOS? What if she's keeping everyone around us awake? Thankfully, the people in the cabin next to us are like family to me, so I'm sure they'll forgive me.

Okay, now that all of that is out, I actually feel better. My hair and my weight - it could be worse. Looking at last year's pictures, I was pregnant and bloated, and my 'family' still loved me, so I'm just being silly. As for those few people who will criticize me because I'm not slim, who cares? Their opinions should not count.

As far as Tree Faerie goes, I know we'll handle it just fine. We always find a way to make things work. And thankfully I have a beautiful and loveable child, so it makes it a little easier for people to forgive me. She's usually full of sunshine and laughter, so hopefully all will be wonderful.

So, here's to having a wonderful and stress-free weekend! In case I don't post again before the weekend, have a great one!

Ball Phobia?

This morning when I was dropping Tree Faerie off at daycare, I put her on the floor like normal, and she started playing with one of the balls. This particular ball was abou the size of a softball. As I started to head out the door, Tree Faerie's teacher got out one of the big bouncy balls, kind of like a beach ball. Tree Faerie started backing up and ended up crawling under one of the cribs while trying to get away from the ball. She kept waving bye-bye with both hands at it. I was watching all of this through the window in the door, and I kept waiting for her teachers to realize that she was obviously scared of it.

They didn't seem to be catching on, so I opened the door and whispered in my best stage-whisper, "Tree Faerie is afraid of big balls!"

She is also afraid of the balls that make noise and roll around. Her Nana bought her a ball that rolls around and makes noises, and she runs from it every single time.

I must admit - I've been laughing off and on all day because my daughter is afraid of big balls and balls that chase her. I wonder how long this fear will last...

(And you know my mind is in the gutter...)

The Sun Is Shining, But...

...it might as well be cold and dreary. I'm just having one of those crabby days where I'd love to go home, lock all the doors, close all the shades, and crawl into bed, covering my head with the blanket so that only my nose sticks out. Of course, I'd be laying there feeling guilty for leaving my daughter at daycare while I could be spending time with her, or feel guilty because DTTF would be at work while I'm at home, or feel lazy and useless because there's a thousand other things I need to be doing instead of laying in bed with my head covered.

(This post seems to be full of run-on sentences, but today I don't care.)

DTTF occasionally suggests I take Tree Faerie to daycare then take the day off to have a bit of time for myself. I just don't have the time to do that right now. I'm taking a day off in a week and a half because we'll be playing in the woods, but I hesitate to take time for MYSELF because I'm afraid that as soon as I do and I no longer have the personal time available, Tree Faerie will get sick again and have to stay home from daycare. When Tree Faerie has to stay home from daycare, that means I have to stay home from work.

I know this won't be forever. I know that as Tree Faerie gets older, I'll have a bit more time. I think right now I'm just tired and need a little break.

New Issues

Friday night, DTTF and I went to see the Rob Zombie version of the movie Halloween that just came out in theaters. We both love horror flicks and used to see a lot of them in the theater in order to get the full experience. We've seen considerably fewer movies in the theater in the past 2 years.

The movie was pretty good overall. It was classic Rob Zombie - verbally foul, over-the-top family dysfunction, and some scenes were too drawn out. He did a really good job re-telling the story in a way that made the viewer sympathize with Michael Myers, or at least this viewer did.

While watching the first 30 minutes or so of the movie, I discovered I have new issues. I want the world to be happy and sparkly for my child, and my heart breaks with the knowledge that it's not. It caused such anxiety in me that apparently I whimpered. DTTF actually thought we'd have to leave because of the way I reacted to the beginning of the movie.

I won't give away any spoilers, just in case any of you out there in bloggerland like horror movies, but I feel the need to elaborate on certain points. I feel like I really need to work this out so that I don't completely box ourselves into a happy, sparkly world of my creation and end up not preparing my daughter for the real world.

Verbal abuse - I cannot stand verbal and emotional abuse. To me it can be worse than physical abuse, though I know that physical abuse is most often coupled with verbal and emotional abuse. Physical wounds heal a lot better and a lot quicker than emotional wounds. Emotional wounds can fester without being seen and become so infected that there's no turning back. I've never been what I consider physically abused, but I have been emotionally abused. An ex of mine saw that vulnerability and the old emotional scars and used that to his advantage. More than 6 years later, I'm still discovering wounds that haven't completely healed. I don't want this for my daughter. I don't want my daughter to ever be subjected to that kind of pain. I want her to be headstrong and secure within herself. She's already proving to be headstrong in a lot of ways. I'm just hoping I can help her become secure within herself, an ability I STILL have not mastered.

Neglect - Neglect can come in many different forms - not commending a child on a job well done, not listening to or even asking about a child's day, even not teaching a child discipline. While yes, my daughter is only 8 months old (almost), I have theories and views based on my own upbringing and based on the experiences of those around me. I plan to raise my child on the basis of these theories and views. If not enough attention and guidance is shown during the early years, how can one expect to be any guidance during the teen years, one of the most crucial times in a person's life. I've heard so many parents say about their teen, "I don't know what happened! They just won't listen to me no matter what I do!" I'm hoping to avoid that as much as possible. I know some of that is simply part of having a teen, but I also have high hopes that it doesn't have to be a disastrously stressful situation.

I know I'm just a baby-mom when it comes to raising a child because I haven't had to experience the fullness yet, but I have a game-plan. I had part of the game-plan before we planned to have Tree Faerie. Since she was born, however, much more of the game-plan has been formed because of the emotional changes I've been through. It's a flexible game-plan because I had to leave room for Tree Faerie to develop her own personality, her own strengths and weaknesses. Some of the plays have already been executed, some I have to wait and see if they're going to work for us. Tree Faerie makes me want to be a better person, especially since I'm responsible for guiding her into adulthood.

I also accept that she is going to be herself no matter what I do, and because she has free will and must make her own choices, I also have to accept that she may not turn out the way I want her to. I'll still love her, though.