Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Chapter 27

***Okay, so I decided I had to write about some of my recent experiences.***

Chapter 27 of the book that makes up my life is coming to a close, and this has been a tough chapter to write, especially the last few months.  This is the time of my Saturn Return, and apparently I need to work on friendships, trust, security, and openness. 

I have always had difficulty making lasting friendships, partially because I have been afraid to depend on anyone to actually be by my side when all is said and done.  DTTF has really helped me learn to trust someone to be there.  He's been the most dependable person in my entire book thus far..  Even though we may not always be able to listen to each other due to emotional or mental turmoil, we eventually do make it a point to understand the other person's perspective. 

Over the past few months, he's proven to me time and time again that he really will be by my side.  I take solace in knowing that he is just stubborn enough to stick with me even if only to prove a point.  Through the ups and downs, no matter how scary or shaky things got, he has still been faithfully by my side, even when he doesn't agree with me or understand.  There were times when I felt alone because he didn't agree or understand, but ultimately he was always right there.  My emotions have been raging a war with my logical mind, and the war has been quite a struggle to endure.  I've tried to be there for him during his turmoil as well, but I'm not sure how well I succeeded in doing so. 

I have made some progress, though every time I seem to make progress, something happens that causes me to question how much progress I've really made.  Progress is a dance of two steps forward and one step back, right?  I'm getting tired of dancing.  My feet are sore.  I can't stop dancing, though, because to stop dancing would be to stop living, stop growing, stop learning, stop loving.  I don't want to stop.  I just need a break sometimes.

Discussing my emotions in a more objective and productive manner has become easier over the last couple of weeks.  I've always been able to talk to DTTF about anything and everything, however I am the type of person who processes their thoughts and emotions externally.  I used to hand him the raw emotion and the baggage that went with it, talk through it, and come to a conclusion.  During the past few months, I've discovered that when I do that, he doesn't always retain the conclusion, only the raw emotion.  I am now working on waiting until I have some sort of control over the emotion at hand and have started processing before talking to him.  While this changes our relationship some, I don't see it as changing in a negative way.  This communication technique should help us avoid heated discussions.  It doesn't always work that way because sometimes one of us gets defensive, which ends up making both of us defensive.

I'm also trying to move away from using negative language when speaking of myself, my decisions, and my emotions.  I often beat myself up for "messing things up."  I, of course, use a much more graphic term than 'messing' to describe it, but the message is still the same.  When I suddenly have to take a step back, I feel like I've failed, that I've done something wrong.  I'm trying to erase these words from my vocabulary.  This has proven to be quite difficult, especially when I'm dealing with my own raw emotion.

The look of disappointment DTTF gets on his face sometimes when I prove I'm human dealing with human issues sometimes rips my heart out and stomps it in the ground.  I find myself trying to do anything and everything to avoid that look.  I am amazed at how much that one little look can tear me up so much.  I love this man beyond words, and he inspires me to be a better person.  I expect more of myself because of him, therefore when I'm disappointed in myself, I believe he's disappointed in me, too, which seems worse.

I know that to be a healthy person, a whole and complete person, I need to not depend on his approval so much.  I also know I can't depend on him for my happiness.  While being his partner, his mate, his equal, his wife makes me very happy, it makes me happy because I want to be those things.  I am totally devoted, loyal and faithful to him, and I want him to feel the same for me.  I know he does feel this way for me, although he expresses it differently..  He also occasionally wants different things from life than I do, pivotal things, things I don't fully understand.  I will do what I can to give him what he wants while still maintaining some semblance of sanity.  The sanity has been hard to hold on to lately.

As this chapter comes to a close, decisions have been made that affect the balance of our lives.  While the decisions have caused hurt and pain, the decisions also offer hope and relief.  Maybe this rollercoaster ride really is leveling off to get ready to stop at the boarding platform.  I can't see where the track ends because the lights keep flashing on and off, and I'm almost afraid to hope for the ride to be over.  What comes next?

Happiness is not a switch that can be turned on and off at will.  While yes, someone can choose to be happy, sometimes it takes a while for the happiness to fully kick in.  We have to work at happiness.  If it was as simple as making the choice for happiness to be ON, then no one would be depressed anymore.

I leave you with thoughts of love and the different forms it takes:

6 Styles of Love

1. Eros Love – Passionate love.

2. Pragma Love – Love as logical and rational

3. Storge Love – Love as friendship

4. Agape Love – Altruistic, all-giving love

5.. Ludus Love – Love as a game

6. Mania Love – Possessive, dependant love

To read more about them, check go here and here.



Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Hon, I have no idea what you've been through in the past few months, but I'm glad you're growing alongside DTTF and communicating better together. And I'm glad you're back.

Carrie and Troy Keiser said...

Life is not easy, sounds like you are doing your best to learn and grow from the challenges that are and have been coming your way. Chin up you'll make it! :)

Inkygrrl said...

I really should learn to slow down when I read, because I see the beginning of a word and *think* I know what it is. "Agave Love? Love of Tequila?" "Storage Love? Love of Closets?" "Praga Love? Love of Praga Khan?" I'm a goof, I know.