20 Months - Every End Is a New Beginning

Dear Tree Faerie,

Tonight was the last night I plan to nurse you.  For the past 20 months, I have given you something that no one else ever has or will give you.  The bond we share is strong, and part of that strength I believe comes from our breastfeeding adventures.  Yes, I call them adventures, because the experience has been full of ups and downs.  When you were born, I knew I was supposed to try to get you to latch on within a few hours of birth.  I read everything I could get my hands on, took a breastfeeding class, and talked to a lactation consultant and several breastfeeding mothers.  However the first time I put you to my breast, I felt like I had no idea what I was doing.  Together we were clumsy over the next few days while we figured it out.  Once we got the hang of it, though, it seemed easy.

And it was easy, at least until you started teething.  You changed the way you held your head and mouth at first, causing my nipples to become sore and irritated from rubbing against your swollen gums.  When the first tooth started breaking through finally, we went through about a week of you trying to bite me, me screaming and sitting you down in the floor, and you screaming.  After you figured out that biting me caused me to put you down, things went back to being easy again.

I have enjoyed our special time together, despite the pains, screams, and demands.  My heart is breaking just a little because my little girl is growing up.  I am excited to watch you grow and learn, but at the same time I'm reminded every day that my baby is now a toddler, my toddler will soon be a child, and my child will soon be a teenager.  Sometimes it seems like your high school graduation is looming much too close. 

No matter what, I want you to know that we are weaning for me and not because you did anything to cause it.  While I did plan to wean you by your second birthday, my body is clearly requesting I stop sooner.  My choices are to wean you now and allow my menstrual cycle to go back to coming every four weeks instead of every two, or we can continue nursing and I can continue the hormonal roller-coaster ride. 

The next few days, maybe even the next couple of weeks, are not going to be easy, but we are a very strong family and will survive this.  Thankfully you have a wonderful father who is willing to help in any way he can.  He will be putting you to bed and getting you up for the next few days so that you and I can break our habits.  I've even given him free reign on how he puts you to bed, as long as he puts you to bed, so there is no telling what interesting experiences you may have over the next few nights.  I know you love him very much, and it is obvious why.  He loves you with all his heart and makes it his goal to make you laugh every day.  I know you both will figure out how things work best for you.

Thank you for helping to make this experience so beautiful.  I love you more than you will ever know, but I promise to try to show you every day.  I am so proud of you!  You are growing up so fast that while it is exciting, sometimes I wish I could hit the pause button or at least the slow-motion button to savor these fleeting moments of time.  Alas, I cannot, so I try to record these memories in my head or in a letter to you, hoping to savor the memory forever.

XOXOXO,
Mama
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We're keeping him!

When we rescued the kitty, our original plan was to hold onto him until someone else could take him.  Well, on Monday when DTTF told me he had talked to a friend who agreed to take him, I cried.  In fact, I bawled a couple of times.  Finally DTTF told me that if I really wanted to keep him, we could.

 

So I thought about it, weighed my heart against my head, and talked it over with DTTF a bit more.  I love the idea of Tree Faerie growing up with a kitten, and he’s just so adorably fun and full of life.  I know he’s going to need a vet trip or few to get shots and fixed.  He’s going to tear things up and break things.  All in all, I just did not want to give him up.  So, I called our friend back and told her she couldn’t have him.

 

When we decided to keep him, we also decided we needed to come up with a name that we could agree upon.  Because of his big ears, his cuteness, and his feistiness, we settled on Gizmo, named after the Magui in Gremlins. 

 

Yay!

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I'm in LOVE!

***This may post twice because I’m resending it since it didn’t post yesterday.***

Thursday night DTTF and Sash went shopping together for my birthday present.  When they were coming out of the mall, this adorable gray-striped kitten with huge ears was begging them for food.  They went to Wal-Mart and picked up a couple of cans of cat food and went back to the mall.  They tried for over an hour to catch him to no avail, so they left the cans of food for him with the plan that we would all go together on Friday night to catch him. 

 

So, on Friday night, I packed up the cat carrier, some towels, and a couple of small containers of wet food, and we went to try to catch him.  He was definitely interested in us but was very skittish.  The kitten was very drawn to Tree Faerie, even chasing the stroller from a safe distance away.  We tried for almost two hours and came close a couple of times, but again we went home without the kitten. 

 

On Saturday evening, we were in the area again, so we decided to stop and try one more time.  We were walking around where he’d been seen the previous two nights.  We couldn’t hear him or anything, but I kept getting the strong urge to go down the stairs that led to another area of the parking lot.  As soon as I got to the bottom, I could hear him.  I was carrying Tree Faerie, and we followed the sound of the kitty’s voice while Tree Faerie kept saying, “Here, kitty-kitty,” or at least what could easily be translated into such.  I looked in the bushes and couldn’t see him, but I could hear him as his cries became more persistent.  DTTF was between the bushes and the outside wall of the mall, and Sash was up the hill a little ways looking in the bushes.  I started walking around the outside of the bushes towards Sash, where I thought the mews were coming from, but before I got to her I realized they were still coming from the area of the bushes. 

 

Since I was pretty certain he hadn’t been in the bushes, I looked up.  There he was, clinging to a tree branch!  DTTF headed toward the tree, which made the kitten only climb higher.  When DTTF started climbing the tree, the kitten stopped and clung on for dear life.  DTTF reached up with his long, beautiful arms (I love my husband’s arms) and plucked the kitty off the tree.  Since Sash was closer, taller, and had free hands, he handed the kitten down to her.  We walked back to the car and put the kitten in the carrier.  The poor thing was scared!

 

Once we got him home, we put Storm, my first rescue kitty whom I bottle fed from a week old, upstairs in the bedroom.  We opened the carrier and the itty bitty kitten tentatively ventured out, and when he was sure no one was going to snatch him up, he promptly darted for the futon.  He mewed and explored, and oddly hated being left alone.   When I was getting Tree Faerie ready for bed, he followed us to the office and explored a bit.  I went ahead and put water some of the canned cat food in the extra food and water dish we have and let him follow me to the kitchen.  He seemed more interested in exploring rather than eating, so I went ahead and took Tree Faerie upstairs and put her to bed.

 

When I came back downstairs, DTTF and Sash were outside hanging out.  The kitten, who we were calling Sprite at the time, followed me from the living room to the kitchen, where I’d gone to get a glass of water.  Still skittish, he darted into the office when I came out of the kitchen, so I went and sat in the office floor.  He came up to investigate me, and I reached out and petted him briefly before Storm hissed at him and he skittered off.  I grabbed my water and went outside, letting him be for a bit.

 

A little while later I came back inside and sat down in front of the kitchen, near the office door.  He came up to investigate me again, and this time I picked him up and petted him until he was purring loudly and begging for more.  I set him down in front of his food, and he started gulping it down.  Letting him eat in peace, I went back outside elated.

 

Now, I am not the “cat person” of the family.  That would be DTTF.  Cats that hate humans love DTTF for some reason, even though he does absolutely nothing to ask for their attention.  Even Storm, who I bottle fed from a week old and played “mommy” to only loves on me when she’s desperate, hungry, or sick.  She drools on DTTF and demands his attention regularly.  So, being the first one to receive affectionate contact from this kitten is a huge deal for me!  I think DTTF was actually a little disappointed that it was me instead of him, but logically, I was the only one who didn’t handle him when he was being “rescued,” or in his mind snatched from his tree and stuck in a dark carrier in a dark box that moved and made noise (the car).

 

The more I watched, petted, and loved on this kitten, the more I became convinced that Rascal was a more suiting name for him.  Sprite is a cute name, but Rascal seems to really fit.

 

Needless to say, by the time 24 hours had passed, Rascal had made himself quite at home.  He loved on me yesterday whenever he wasn’t napping, and began to accept love from everyone else, too.  He is still drawn to Tree Faerie and will chase her as she runs through the house.  He even lets her kick at him, which I am trying stop.  I crocheted him a toy with jingles and fringe stuffed with batting and catnip, and he plays with it alone or with someone. 

 

We may not get to keep Rascal, especially since I agreed that we would find him a good home if DTTF doesn’t want to keep him, but I’m really enjoying the time I have with him now.  He is absolutely adorable!  DTTF figures him to be about 4 or 5 weeks old, although I think he’s a little older, about 6 or 7 weeks old.  He’s tiny, but he has good coordination, especially since he’s been eating well.

 

I’m in love with this kitty!  He has a lot of spunk and a lot of love.  When he looks up at me with those big blue eyes, my heart just melts.  The stripes coming off his eyes are strikingly beautiful.  Now that he is getting lots of love and petting, even his fur is healthier, and we’ve only had him since Saturday.  It’s amazing to see how much he’s blossomed in such a short amount of time.  I will always feel good knowing that we gave him the opportunity to have a safe, loving, and healthy life, no matter where he goes from here.

 

=|=

 

I'm in LOVE!

Thursday night DTTF and Sash went shopping together for my birthday present.  When they were coming out of the mall, this adorable gray-striped kitten with huge ears was begging them for food.  They went to Wal-Mart and picked up a couple of cans of cat food and went back to the mall.  They tried for over an hour to catch him to no avail, so they left the cans of food for him with the plan that we would all go together on Friday night to catch him. 

So, on Friday night, I packed up the cat carrier, some towels, and a couple of small containers of wet food, and we went to try to catch him.  He was definitely interested in us but was very skittish.  The kitten was very drawn to Tree Faerie, even chasing the stroller from a safe distance away.  We tried for almost two hours and came close a couple of times, but again we went home without the kitten. 

On Saturday evening, we were in the area again, so we decided to stop and try one more time.  We were walking around where he'd been seen the previous two nights.  We couldn't hear him or anything, but I kept getting the strong urge to go down the stairs that led to another area of the parking lot.  As soon as I got to the bottom, I could hear him.  I was carrying Tree Faerie, and we followed the sound of the kitty's voice while Tree Faerie kept saying, "Here, kitty-kitty," or at least what could easily be translated into such.  I looked in the bushes and couldn't see him, but I could hear him as his cries became more persistent.  DTTF was between the bushes and the outside wall of the mall, and Sash was up the hill a little ways looking in the bushes.  I started walking around the outside of the bushes towards Sash, where I thought the mews were coming from, but before I got to her I realized they were still coming from the area of the bushes. 

Since I was pretty certain he hadn't been in the bushes, I looked up.  There he was, clinging to a tree branch!  DTTF headed toward the tree, which made the kitten only climb higher.  When DTTF started climbing the tree, the kitten stopped and clung on for dear life.  DTTF reached up with his long, beautiful arms (I love my husband's arms) and plucked the kitty off the tree.  Since Sash was closer, taller, and had free hands, he handed the kitten down to her.  We walked back to the car and put the kitten in the carrier.  The poor thing was scared!

Once we got him home, we put Storm, my first rescue kitty whom I bottle fed from a week old, upstairs in the bedroom.  We opened the carrier and the itty bitty kitten tentatively ventured out, and when he was sure no one was going to snatch him up, he promptly darted for the futon..  He mewed and explored, and oddly hated being left alone.   When I was getting Tree Faerie ready for bed, he followed us to the office and explored a bit.  I went ahead and put water some of the canned cat food in the extra food and water dish we have and let him follow me to the kitchen.  He seemed more interested in exploring rather than eating, so I went ahead and took Tree Faerie upstairs and put her to bed.

When I came back downstairs, DTTF and Sash were outside hanging out.  The kitten, who we were calling Sprite at the time, followed me from the living room to the kitchen, where I'd gone to get a glass of water.  Still skittish, he darted into the office when I came out of the kitchen, so I went and sat in the office floor.  He came up to investigate me, and I reached out and petted him briefly before Storm hissed at him and he skittered off.  I grabbed my water and went outside, letting him be for a bit.

A little while later I came back inside and sat down in front of the kitchen, near the office door.  He came up to investigate me again, and this time I picked him up and petted him until he was purring loudly and begging for more.  I set him down in front of his food, and he started gulping it down.  Letting him eat in peace, I went back outside elated.

Now, I am not the "cat person" of the family.  That would be DTTF.  Cats that hate humans love DTTF for some reason, even though he does absolutely nothing to ask for their attention.  Even Storm, who I bottle fed from a week old and played "mommy" to only loves on me when she's desperate, hungry, or sick.  She drools on DTTF and demands his attention regularly.  So, being the first one to receive affectionate contact from this kitten is a huge deal for me!  I think DTTF was actually a little disappointed that it was me instead of him, but logically, I was the only one who didn't handle him when he was being "rescued," or in his mind snatched from his tree and stuck in a dark carrier in a dark box that moved and made noise (the car).

The more I watched, petted, and loved on this kitten, the more I became convinced that Rascal was a more suiting name for him.  Sprite is a cute name, but Rascal seems to really fit.

Needless to say, by the time 24 hours had passed, Rascal had made himself quite at home.  He loved on me yesterday whenever he wasn't napping, and began to accept love from everyone else, too.  He is still drawn to Tree Faerie and will chase her as she runs through the house.  He even lets her kick at him, which I am trying stop.  I crocheted him a toy with jingles and fringe stuffed with batting and catnip, and he plays with it alone or with someone. 

We may not get to keep Rascal, especially since I agreed that we would find him a good home if DTTF doesn't want to keep him, but I'm really enjoying the time I have with him now.  He is absolutely adorable!  DTTF figures him to be about 4 or 5 weeks old, although I think he's a little older, about 6 or 7 weeks old.  He's tiny, but he has good coordination, especially since he's been eating well.

I'm in love with this kitty!  He has a lot of spunk and a lot of love.  When he looks up at me with those big blue eyes, my heart just melts.  The stripes coming off his eyes are strikingly beautiful.  Now that he is getting lots of love and petting, even his fur is healthier, and we've only had him since Saturday.  It's amazing to see how much he's blossomed in such a short amount of time.  I will always feel good knowing that we gave him the opportunity to have a safe, loving, and healthy life, no matter where he goes from here.

=|=

Dragonfly Cloth Test Pattern

This is my first attempt at converting a knit pattern to Tunisian crochet.  If you test this pattern, please leave a comment letting me know what you think, good or bad.  I plan to edit this with any corrections I need to make.

Original Pattern (with photo)

Stitches used:

Tunisian Simple Stitch (tss) (explained here)

Tunisian Knit Stitch (tks) (explained here and here)

Tunisian Purl Stitch (tps) (explained here and on the second link above) – This stitch can be replaced by the Reverse Afghan Stitch***, a.k.a Kim & ARNie's Purl Stitch.

***The stitch is explained very well in this class.  It's the 2^nd row of stitches she explains.  The first is just the foundation row.

 

Chain 38.

Foundation Row: In 2^nd chain from hook, *insert hook through back bar of the chain, yarn over (yo) and pull through chain, leaving the loop on the hook**.  Repeat * to ** for each chain.  (38 loops on hook) 

Row Finish off:  YO.  Pull through one loop on hook.  *YO and pull through 2 loops on hook**.  Repeat from * to ** until only one loop remains on hook.

Rows 1 & 2:  38 tps.  Finish off (every row should be finished off after completing it).

Rows 3 & 4:  1 tss,  2 tps,  32 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss.

Rows 5 – 12:  1 tss,  2 tps,  15 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss. 

Row 13:  1 tss,  2 tps,  4 tks,  6 tps,  5 tks,  2 tps,  5 tks,  6 tps,  4 tks,  2 tps,  1tss

Row 14:  1 tss,  2 tps,  1 tks,  12 tps,  2 tks,  2 tps,  2 tks,  12 tps,  1 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss

Row 15:  1 tss,  2 tps,  3 tks,  26 tps,  3 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss

Row 16:  1 tss,  2 tps,  13 tks,  6 tps,  13 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss

Row 17:  1 tss,  2 tps,  7 tks,  18 tps,  7 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss

Row 18:  1 tss,  2 tps,  5 tks,  8 tps,  1 tks,  4 tps,  1 tks,  8 tps,  5 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss

Row 19:  1 tss,  2 tps,  4 tks,  7 tps,  3 tks,  4 tps,  3 tks,  7 tps,  4 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss

Row 20:  1 tss,  2 tps,  3 tks,  6 tps,  5 tks,  4 tps,  5 tks,  6 tps,  3 tks,  2 tps,  1tss

Row 21:  1 tss,  2 tps,  3 tks,  3 tps,  8 tks,  4 tps,  8 tks,  3 tps,  3 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss

Row 22:  1 tss,  2 tps,  12 tks,  3 tps,  2 tks,  2 tps,  12 tks,  2 tps,  1 tss

Row 23 & 24:  1 tss,  2 tps,  32 tks,  2 tps,  1tss

Row 25 & 26:  38 tps 

Binding Row:  *Insert hook through front vertical bar of next stitch, YO and pull through.  YO and pull through both loops on hook.**  Repeat from * to **.  When the last stitch is complete, fasten off and weave in ends, or do a border of single crochet around the entire piece, making sure to chain 1 to start and putting 3 stitches in each corner.

***The stitch is explained very well in this class.  It's the 2^nd row of stitches she explains.  The first is just the foundation row.

She’s Crafty…

…in the innocent sense, of course!

I occasionally get an extreme urge to crochet or sew, especially when my brain is working overtime on something.  This time around, the urge was definitely to crochet.  I played around with a couple of projects, started DTTF's Doctor Who scarf (which I may frog and start again with a larger hook), and made a scarf for a wonderful friend, Sash.  Then I came across a beautiful dragonfly afghan filet crochet pattern.

Now, as I've mentioned before, I associate dragonflies with Tree Faerie and always have, so when I saw this pattern, I just knew it had to be created for her.  I picked out a pretty frosty green for the main color and found a shade of purple and a variegated yarn that compliment the green well.  After I got my yarn home and looked at the pattern again, I decided to add a touch of yellow to the mix as well. 

I started working on the project a week ago, and since I am learning a new crochet technique with this pattern, I had to frog (rip out) a couple of rows because I couldn't correct certain errors without doing so.  I finally made up my own notes to work with in order to ensure that I didn't get lost in the pattern, and since then have completed an average of 2 rows a night.  I'm now 40% done with the center panel.

I am so excited about this project!  I promise to post pictures when I'm done.  The picture of the original pattern can be found here.  This project has a lot of promise.  I don't know if I'm going to add one layer of border or two.  It all depends on the size once I'm done with the first border.  I am considering putting the afghan away after I'm done so I can present it to her when she's older and will appreciate it more – maybe as a gift for when she turns 5.  DTTF also suggested hanging it on her wall.  I'll have to ponder that, because hanging it unsupported may stretch the stitches.

I'm also pondering converting knit patterns into Tunisian crochet.  Since many knit stitches can be replicated to a certain degree with Tunisian crochet, this should not be difficult.  It's like putting a puzzle together, but instead of having the original pieces, you have to make your own.

Do you ever get the feeling your brain works TOO much?

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"Oooh, the Pretty Trees!"

After all is said and done, the past weekend was absolutely wonderful.  Only two things went as planned, and everything else was shaken, tossed into the air, and allowed to fall freely.  The result was something beautiful, meaningful, and fulfilling.  We were able to provide sleeping space to friends who suddenly were without, thus we also spent valuable visiting time.  Due to scheduling conflicts which resulted in a lack of participation, a previous engagement was cancelled, leaving us with a free afternoon.  The weekend was wrapped in love, family, friendship, and acceptance.  Despite the continuing lack of sleep, I still feel refreshed and relaxed.

The cliché, "Can't see the forest for the trees," is one that has repeated in my mind several times over the past few months and even comes up in conversation.  I am a detail-oriented person.  I love detail.  I love how all the little pieces fit together to make the big picture.  Sometimes, however, I get so focused on those little details that I forget that those little pieces make up the whole world and that I have to view them collectively.  In essence, I get stuck in the trees.

After nearly 28 years of life, I just recently noticed a pattern to my processes.  If I find something to clean, something that has absolutely no relation to what is going on in my head, I am able to view the forest again.  Creating order in a piece of my physical world helps my mind get out of its repeating loop.  More order in my physical space creates more order in my mental, emotional, and spiritual spaces.  When things are not in order, I feel disjointed, disconnected, overwhelmed, unfocused, somewhat pessimistic, and emotionally chaotic.

In true Virgo fashion, I love to organize and categorize things.  A place for everything and everything in its place, as the saying goes.  Sometimes I get focused on other things and let clutter pile up, but when I go back and remove that clutter, leaving everything neat and orderly, everything in my life improves.  One would think my house would be spotless.  It is certainly not.  However, when I get the urge to clean, I know it is in everyone's best interest if I give in to that urge. 

A couple of bigger projects have been tackled and we've been keeping up with the routine projects fairly well recently.  If I continue to use the energy created from my spiritual, mental, and emotional growth as fuel to get my physical space in order, and that order helps me to grow with fewer internal battles, then not only will I be a better, more stable woman, I will also have a cleaner, less cluttered home, car, and workspace.

I just have to keep reminding myself to look at the forest.

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Tick-Tock Goes the Clock

After pondering what I need versus what I want, I've come to the conclusion that while yes, there are basic needs and yes, there are many wants that are not needs, the two often interlink.  For example, from my husband, I want time.  I want good quality time, time when we enjoy each other's company and show our appreciation for one another.  In order for our partnership to work, this also becomes a need.  This is a need of the relationship. 

Not only do I want quality time, I also need time to discuss issues and feelings and general life views.  While communication time can also be quality time, sometimes it does not fit into the category of quality time because if the discussions are tense and the issues are not resolved, then the need for quality time was not fulfilled due to the topic of conversation and the abundance of overwhelming emotion. 

Sometimes time has to be set aside as quality time, especially when one or both of us are dealing with an issue.  If time has to be set aside to simply enjoy each other's company, then the issues have to be tabled until after the need for quality time has been satisfied.  If all our time is spent discussing issues, then the need for quality time gets neglected.  When our quality time need is neglected and we are not making sure the other person knows they're appreciated, then the communication attempts suffer and thus, the relationship suffers.

Sometimes quality time can be spent with other people, but it is also important to have quality time alone as well.  As parents, our alone time is already limited to times when either our child is asleep or in someone else's care.  As active and social individuals, and as an active and social couple, this limits our alone time even more. 

I often feel time is not on my side and feel overwhelmed by my list of things I need to do and the list of things I want to do.  Time is one of my most difficult hurdles to overcome because I perceive it as very finite.  I end up sacrificing sleep and other needs in order to fulfill my time needs with DTTF, both quality time and communication time.

When the usage of time is beyond my control, I feel the urge to try to control it.  I try to develop a schedule.  Even when looking over the next day or week or month, I try to know what's coming and be prepared, especially if I am having difficulty with internal issues.  Dealing with difficult internal issues increases my need for quality, reassuring time.  When I am feeling a strong desire to spend quality time and I am unable to see a time when we can have more than an hour alone and together without sacrificing all other needs, I feel anxious.  I feel helpless.  I feel alone.

For years, DTTF and I did almost everything together.  I knew that the time when we weren't working would most often be spent together.  While he's always had the freedom to do other things with his time besides spend it alone with me or together as a couple, he usually chose to spend his time with me.   Now things have changed.  Many things have changed.

Having a child changed how we spend a lot of our time.  Because Tree Faerie is unable to provide for herself, one if not both of us have to provide for her needs, except for those occasional times when she is in someone else's care.  Therefore, there are often social events that we cannot attend together because one of us has to stay home with our daughter.  Also, having a child makes it difficult to stay up all night talking or playing games because our daughter insists that I get up in the morning.  I know things won't always be this way, however this is the way things are right now.

Because our social needs are also changing and becoming more apparent, this affects our alone time in that we don't get as much alone time..  We get more social time.  Because of my feelings of being overwhelmed often cause me to not want to be social as often as DTTF, I end up spending time alone instead of alone with him.  Even when a friend or few come over to our house as opposed to DTTF going out, when I'm not feeling the desire to be social even with close and intimate friends, I usually extract myself.  If I don't extract myself, I often react in a curt and irritable manner.  Removing myself from the situation is safer for all involved, especially when we would like the friendship to continue.

Occasionally we get wonderful quality time together, as we did last weekend.  One would think this would be enough, but this is one of those needs that constantly must be replenished.  Sometimes the satisfaction lasts longer than others.  During difficult times, however, the satisfaction of the need being fulfilled does not last very long.

I hate asking for more quality alone time, especially when I think or know he would prefer to be during a time I am wanting to be alone.  I often feel that I am too needy and ask for too much.  I get into a downward spiral of self-destruction because I don't want to ask for what I think I need or what I want, especially if I am afraid of disappointing him because I am needy.  I also hate asking for quality alone time because I know he has other commitments to fulfill – mundanely, spiritually, and socially.  I don't want his other commitments to suffer.

I was hoping that typing this out would help me process it and find a solution to change the way I'm feeling without having to ask for more.  I am stuck, though.  I don't know where to go from here, so instead I'll leave you with a few quotes about growth:

Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots. – Frank A. Clark

"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security." – Gail Sheehy

"All growth depends upon activity. There is no development physically or intellectually without effort, and effort means work." – Calvin Coolidge

"In studying the history of the human mind one is impressed again and again by the fact that the growth of the mind is the widening of the range of consciousness, and that each step forward has been a most painful and laborious achievement. One could almost say that nothing is more hateful to man than to give up even a particle of his unconsciousness. Ask those who have tried to introduce a new idea!" – Carl Jung

"There is a wide world out there, my friend, full of pain, but filled with joy as well. The former keeps you on the path of growth, and the latter makes the journey tolerable." – R. A. Salvatore, Sojourn

"Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell." – Edward Abbey

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The Figurine Has Been Shattered

From Dictionary.com:  illusion – an erroneous perception of reality.

Because of my romantic ideals, I am prone to creating illusions regarding any and all relationships I build, especially when the other person or people feed into that illusion and ideal.  Reality always manages to find a way to shatter that illusion into a million tiny pieces, much like a crystal figurine meeting a concrete floor.  When I am the only one feeding the illusion, it is usually short-lived.  However, when the illusion is created and upheld between two people, that illusion can last for years.

…At least until reality worms its way in.

One of my most precious illusions has been in the process of falling to the floor, although I couldn't tell which figurine was falling until it finally shattered.  When it shattered, I wept even though I know that it is better to be without that illusion than to be dependent upon it.  This was the catalyst for my research on needs.  It turns out that I need my husband much less than I thought I did.  I still want him, and he's still here.  I mourned for the loss of the illusion because my realization means that he doesn't need me as much as I thought he did.

I now realize that wants are much more important in that regard.  I want to share my life with him, and he wants to share his life with me.  This is healthy.  This is good.  This is constructive.

This is real.

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Fundamental Human Needs

My ponderings today revolve around human "needs" and how those needs are interrelated.  I am trying to objectively view my true needs to see if they are being met and how to meet them if they are not.  I am also trying to clearly define my needs to help separate them from my wants.  In order to be a healthy individual, needs must be met, whereas wants do not.

 Experts mostly agree on what the fundamental human needs are, although there are varying presentations for these needs and how they're interrelated.  Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often depicted as a 5-level (or 8-level) pyramid.  The first 4 levels are what Maslow calls "Defit Needs" which, except for the first level comprised of the basic physiological needs, when these needs are not met, the body gives no indication physically but a person will feel anxious and tense.

These levels are developed in stages, starting from birth.  An infant's focus is on the physiological needs, then safety, then attention, and later attention, all within the first couple of years.  Of course, all of these needs require constant attention to a certain degree.  If any of the lower needs are not being met, all needs that build upon it suffer until that need is once again satisfied.  Also, if a child is faced with significant problems during development, such as extreme hunger, loss of a family member, or significant neglect or abuse, a person may fixate on the needs in that level for the rest of their lives.  Neurosis may develop and cause the person to obsess about that need.

The first level is Physiological needs.  This level is our basic survival instincts, including maternal instinct.  These needs must be met in order to successfully meet any other needs.  The physiological needs consist of homeostatic needs such as breathing, drinking, eating, and excretion.  This need level also includes sleep, activity, and sex.  If any of these needs are not met, the needs can control a person's thoughts and behaviors and can (and will) cause a person to feel sickness, pain, and discomfort.

The second level in Maslow's hierarchy is Safety and Security.  A person must feel safe and secure from danger, to have predictability and order, and to have structure and stability.  When these needs are not met, fear, anxiety, and concern are the reactions. 

Social and Love needs make up the third level of the hierarchy.  This level consists of emotionally-based relationships such as friendship, intimacy, and family.  Ultimately, the third level is our need to love and be loved, to belong and to be accepted.  Loneliness, depression, and social anxiety are reactions to this need not being met.

The fourth and last level of the Deficit Needs is Esteem.  This can be broken into two categories – self-esteem and esteem or respect from others.    While a person needs self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, achievement, and independence, which are all internal feelings, a person also needs respect, recognition, appreciation, and attention from others.  Thwarting these needs brings out feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, low self-esteem, weakness, and helplessness.

The fifth level is comprised of Self-Actualization or Growth needs.  According to Maslow, or at least my interpretation of what he says, the fifth level is not fully reached until the needs of the lower 4 levels are satisfied.  Once a person reaches the self-actualization level, the needs on the lower levels are no longer prioritized.  The needs on the lower levels are only temporarily re-prioritized when one or more of those needs are no longer being satisfied, and attention will be focused on the unfulfilled needs while still attempting to maintain all the other needs which have already been satisfied.   If I understand correctly, once a person has reached the fifth level of needs and those needs are getting attention, they will always strive to be the best person they can be and to make the most of their abilities.  Also, people can meet certain needs from the fifth level, such as creativity, even when other basic needs are not being met.

This level is broken down into 4 separate levels in the 8-level pyramid as Cognitive, Aesthetic, Self-Actualization, and Self-Transcendence.  Cognitive is the need to know, understand, and explore.  Aesthetic is the need to be surrounded by beauty and symmetry.  Self-Actualization is the need to find self-fulfillment and realize one's own potential.  Finally, Self Transcendence is the need to connect with something beyond the ego and help others find self-fulfillment.

Clayton Alderfer took Maslow's Hierarchy and developed the ERG Theory.  He took Maslow's 5 levels and lumped them into three categories: Existence Needs, Relatedness Needs, and Growth Needs.  Existence Needs are comprised of the first two levels of Maslow's Hierarchy.  Relatedness Needs are comprised of the third level and the external esteem portion of the fourth level.  Growth Needs are comprised of the internal esteem portion of the fourth level and the fifth level.  Alderfer believes the ERG areas are not stepped in any way.  He believes that the importance of these categories may vary for each individual.

In essence, we as human beings are complex creatures and have a lot of needs.  Some of those needs can be met by outside sources, but most of them have to be recognized, realized, and fulfilled by each individual.  The people with whom we choose to share our lives influence and affect how our needs are satisfied (or not).  In order to be a healthy and whole person, one has to work to fulfill one's own needs in the most effective way possible without depending on another or others to fulfill them. 

I have a lot to ponder. 

References (ones that are not already linked above):

http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html

http://psychclassics.yorku.ca/Maslow/motivation.htm

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Chapter 27

***Okay, so I decided I had to write about some of my recent experiences.***

Chapter 27 of the book that makes up my life is coming to a close, and this has been a tough chapter to write, especially the last few months.  This is the time of my Saturn Return, and apparently I need to work on friendships, trust, security, and openness. 

I have always had difficulty making lasting friendships, partially because I have been afraid to depend on anyone to actually be by my side when all is said and done.  DTTF has really helped me learn to trust someone to be there.  He's been the most dependable person in my entire book thus far..  Even though we may not always be able to listen to each other due to emotional or mental turmoil, we eventually do make it a point to understand the other person's perspective. 

Over the past few months, he's proven to me time and time again that he really will be by my side.  I take solace in knowing that he is just stubborn enough to stick with me even if only to prove a point.  Through the ups and downs, no matter how scary or shaky things got, he has still been faithfully by my side, even when he doesn't agree with me or understand.  There were times when I felt alone because he didn't agree or understand, but ultimately he was always right there.  My emotions have been raging a war with my logical mind, and the war has been quite a struggle to endure.  I've tried to be there for him during his turmoil as well, but I'm not sure how well I succeeded in doing so. 

I have made some progress, though every time I seem to make progress, something happens that causes me to question how much progress I've really made.  Progress is a dance of two steps forward and one step back, right?  I'm getting tired of dancing.  My feet are sore.  I can't stop dancing, though, because to stop dancing would be to stop living, stop growing, stop learning, stop loving.  I don't want to stop.  I just need a break sometimes.

Discussing my emotions in a more objective and productive manner has become easier over the last couple of weeks.  I've always been able to talk to DTTF about anything and everything, however I am the type of person who processes their thoughts and emotions externally.  I used to hand him the raw emotion and the baggage that went with it, talk through it, and come to a conclusion.  During the past few months, I've discovered that when I do that, he doesn't always retain the conclusion, only the raw emotion.  I am now working on waiting until I have some sort of control over the emotion at hand and have started processing before talking to him.  While this changes our relationship some, I don't see it as changing in a negative way.  This communication technique should help us avoid heated discussions.  It doesn't always work that way because sometimes one of us gets defensive, which ends up making both of us defensive.

I'm also trying to move away from using negative language when speaking of myself, my decisions, and my emotions.  I often beat myself up for "messing things up."  I, of course, use a much more graphic term than 'messing' to describe it, but the message is still the same.  When I suddenly have to take a step back, I feel like I've failed, that I've done something wrong.  I'm trying to erase these words from my vocabulary.  This has proven to be quite difficult, especially when I'm dealing with my own raw emotion.

The look of disappointment DTTF gets on his face sometimes when I prove I'm human dealing with human issues sometimes rips my heart out and stomps it in the ground.  I find myself trying to do anything and everything to avoid that look.  I am amazed at how much that one little look can tear me up so much.  I love this man beyond words, and he inspires me to be a better person.  I expect more of myself because of him, therefore when I'm disappointed in myself, I believe he's disappointed in me, too, which seems worse.

I know that to be a healthy person, a whole and complete person, I need to not depend on his approval so much.  I also know I can't depend on him for my happiness.  While being his partner, his mate, his equal, his wife makes me very happy, it makes me happy because I want to be those things.  I am totally devoted, loyal and faithful to him, and I want him to feel the same for me.  I know he does feel this way for me, although he expresses it differently..  He also occasionally wants different things from life than I do, pivotal things, things I don't fully understand.  I will do what I can to give him what he wants while still maintaining some semblance of sanity.  The sanity has been hard to hold on to lately.

As this chapter comes to a close, decisions have been made that affect the balance of our lives.  While the decisions have caused hurt and pain, the decisions also offer hope and relief.  Maybe this rollercoaster ride really is leveling off to get ready to stop at the boarding platform.  I can't see where the track ends because the lights keep flashing on and off, and I'm almost afraid to hope for the ride to be over.  What comes next?

Happiness is not a switch that can be turned on and off at will.  While yes, someone can choose to be happy, sometimes it takes a while for the happiness to fully kick in.  We have to work at happiness.  If it was as simple as making the choice for happiness to be ON, then no one would be depressed anymore.

I leave you with thoughts of love and the different forms it takes:

6 Styles of Love

1. Eros Love – Passionate love.

2. Pragma Love – Love as logical and rational

3. Storge Love – Love as friendship

4. Agape Love – Altruistic, all-giving love

5.. Ludus Love – Love as a game

6. Mania Love – Possessive, dependant love

To read more about them, check go here and here.

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Life's Rollercoaster

The rollercoaster ride that I've been riding the last 4 months is something I do not wish to discuss, hence the silence.  Because this adventure has saturated my entire being, I've had difficulty finding ways to write about the rest of my world while avoiding the main focus point.  This is something that I will probably never write about, at least not here.  Right now it's too personal, too close to home, and some things are better when they are not plastered all over the internet.

 

Tree Faerie is an absolute gem.  She's talking and running and mastering the art of tantrum-throwing.  As you can see in the video that I previous posted, she's absolutely beautiful.  She's so smart, too!  I'm amazed daily!  I feel a tad bit guilty for not writing her 18 month letter, since it was so pivotal.  Keep an eye out in a week or so for her 19 month letter.

 

I also did not wish my beautiful husband Happy Anniversary last Wednesday.  We've been married for 3 years and together for 7.  I am more in love with him now than I was even 3 years ago, and I'm definitely more secure in our relationship.  I hate the thought of life without him, because we really do seem to be the perfect match for each other.  Not only are the mental, emotional, and spiritual dynamics of our relationship awesome, our physical relationship is absolutely phenomenal.  I love DTTF so much.  He is the center of my world.  Happy 3rd Anniversary, baby. 

 

So, I'm working on getting back into the habit of writing every week day.  As I get more into the swing of writing again, my stories will improve.  I promise.  I've missed writing.  I've also missed reading your blogs, which I am trying to catch up on in short bursts in the evening.

 

I'm glad you all are still here.

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Can you read my posts?

I finally decided to play with the XML as well. How does this look? I know it's a little plain, however if you can read it, I'll play with other colors later. This is the only layout that leaves my info to the left instead of putting it at the bottom.

So, are the colors okay? Are my info and advertisements to the left? Are you still out there to give me feedback?

I sure have missed you all.
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Laugh Out Loud

Look! I'm still alive and kicking! And to prove it:



I promise I'll start writing again soon. Don't give up on me yet.
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Wish Me Luck

I'm having my wisdom teeth excised (cut out) tomorrow, so hopefully relief is in sight. 

 

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Discovering the Joys of Sleep

I'm almost afraid to post about this for fear of jinxing things, but I just have to share...

 

This year for Memorial Day weekend, we decided to do The Great Room Swap of 2008.  We moved the office downstairs to the "master bedroom" and moved the bedroom upstairs next to Tree Faerie's room so that she could be in her own room yet still be nearby. 

 

During the first couple of nights, I missed her and she missed me, so I still had to get up every few hours and nurse her back to sleep.  I soon noticed I was getting up fewer and fewer times because even when she would wake up, she would sometimes settle back down before I could get to her.

 

Suddenly a miracle happened!  Tuesday night, she slept through the night.  Yes, she did fuss a couple of times, but she put herself back to sleep before I could get to her room, which is right next to ours.  I was in shock!  I didn't want to say anything about it in case it was just a fluke, but then the same thing happened last night! 

 

Now, I don't know how long this will continue, but at least now I know it can happen.  Knowing that she's capable of soothing herself, especially since I'm not a fan of the Cry-It-Out methods, gives me great relief.  For now, I am simply going to wait and see if this pattern will become the normal routine or if she's just teasing me.  Wish us luck!

 

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What a Wonderful Weekend, Part II

Continued from yesterday’s post…

 

Since my parents planned to leave on Friday instead of Saturday, we decided to skip the trip to the zoo we had discussed.  Instead, I took them down to Overton Square in Memphis, where we went to Maggie’s Pharm, the best herb shop in town.  I needed more red raspberry leaf to make my monthly tea since I am now getting a monthly cycle, and Mom wanted to get some for herself to try out.  Once we were done there, we walked across the street to Memphis Pizza Café to enjoy delicious pizza. 

 

After lunch, we headed to Harbor Freight Tools, where Mom tried to buy me an airbrush kit.  I talked her out of it because I’m currently trying to simplify my life and get rid of the things I either have not used in over a year that are not essential for my existence.  She seemed a bit disappointed but understanding.  We then drove over to Bass Pro Shop to look around, and Tree Faerie ended up with a really cute pair of sunglasses that she actually wears!  I was highly impressed, and still am every time she wears them!  We couldn’t convince her to wear a hat, though. 

 

When we got back to the house, my parents packed and headed out, leaving me feeling a bit sad.  The feeling only lasted a little while, though, because I had a nice surprise waiting for me in the mailbox.  My best friend from high school sent me a really cute card telling me that I am a prescription for happiness.  After reading it several times and showing it off to DTTF when he got home, I stuck it up on the fridge so it would be a constant reminder.

 

Saturday was relaxing and filled with wonderful girlfriend time, friendship, love, and great conversations.  I have learned a lot recently about the strength of friendship and love, and this newfound knowledge has made me a much happier person.

 

Sunday morning, I took Tree Faerie with me to pick up DTTF’s Father’s Day gift while letting him sleep in.  I planned to pick up a book on grilling but decided to look for a John Denver guitar tab book just in case, because that would have been the perfect gift.  Alas, I did not find one.  Instead I found an awesome book on the history of Punk music, which I knew DTTF would love.  I scanned the bargain racks and found a really nice grilling book for 60% off the cover price.  I left the book store very pleased with my purchases.

 

DTTF was awake by the time Tree Faerie and I returned, so we went out on the patio to “open” his gifts and his cards and let Tree Faerie play.  I got Tree Faerie to tell him “Happy Father’s Day” several times, which was absolutely adorable!  Of course, if I hadn’t known what she was trying to say, I would never have guessed that she was saying Happy Father’s Day, but it had the right number of syllables, similar vowel sounds, and the right tonal inflections.  She’s getting really good at mimicking what we say, which can lead to awkward moments in front of strangers at times.

 

That afternoon, our friend ANB came over to hang out.  She, Tree Faerie, and I went swimming while the charcoal burned to perfect coals in the grill.  DTTF earned his title of Grill Master by grilling hot dogs, filet mignon, hamburgers, flatiron steak, and salmon.  I made Cajun Mashed Potatoes, which he loves, to go with it and made steamed broccoli for Tree Faerie, ANB, and myself.  It was absolutely delicious!

 

All said and done, I couldn’t have asked for a better week and weekend.  Life is good.

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