Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Last night I came to the realization that I am in an abusive relationship.  I’ve been beaten, bitten, pinched, kicked, and had my hair pulled repeatedly.  In the past week I’ve had my lip busted twice and have a knot on my forehead.  I am the object of screaming and yelling.


The problem is that I cannot get out of this relationship.  I can only hope that my abuser will someday realize that these methods of communication are not conducive to a loving relationship.  Until then, I will continue to shower love and affection on my attacker.


My abuser is my 15 1/2 month-old daughter.  Is this the beginning of the terrible twos?


Monday, April 28, 2008

The Noise Is Deafening

The chaos level in my brain is reaching maximum capacity.  All weekend I've been trying to think and communicate through the noise.  It's worse than trying to talk over loud music because with loud music, at least everyone else can hear it, too.  When the noise is in my head, no one else can hear it, thus I tend to be a lot quieter than normal for fear of trying to yell over the noise.


Plus, when I do try to open my mouth to speak, I feel like I'm trying to speak Russian to someone who only speaks French, and I've long-forgotten how to speak Russian.  I feel like an idiot every time I speak.


Is this just my body getting used to the absence of the regulatory hormones?  When other people decide to take a break from their oral contraceptives without trying to conceive, do they experience something similar?  Or am I just a freak?


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Earth Day

I just have time to write a quick note to assure everyone that I am alive and doing fine.  I’m under a couple of deadlines at work and haven’t had time to sit down at the computer at home.  Later this week, things should clear up, after which I will make an actual post and even write a book review.


I hope everyone has a wonderful Earth Day!


Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Wandering Wednesday 7: Made Me Laugh

Since I’m cramping and a bit cranky this morning, I’m just going to give you three links to items that made me laugh this morning.


First, a Live Journal post about the Terrible Twos.


Second, hunky Mormons?


Third, creative and practical uses for feminine products.




Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Combating Crankiness

Please forgive my silence.  Because I am having the same pelvic pain I had back in February that led to a very disappointing doctor’s visit I refused to blog about, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Last time, I was prescribed an antibiotic that negated my pill and kick-started a menstrual cycle, but we never actually found out what was wrong.  It wasn’t a bladder infection.  So, since I’m having the same pain, and starting my cycle relieved the pain last time, I am taking a break from my pill to allow myself another cycle.  There is a noticeable difference in my internal mood, although I’m trying to maintain enough control that externally it won’t be so obvious.  Since my internal mood seems to appear more in my writing style, I haven’t felt much like writing. 


Hopefully the cycle will fully start soon so I can get on with feeling better.  Once I feel better, hopefully I’ll actually leave comments on your blogs instead of typing one out and erasing it because it sounds whiney, cranky, or just plain stupid.



Thursday, April 10, 2008

15 Month Letter

Dear Tree Faerie,


As each month passes, time seems to be gaining speed.  It seems like only yesterday I was writing your 14-month letter!  I sometimes want to wrap my arms and legs around you and cry, “No!  Slow down!  You’re growing up too fast!”


But I don’t.  Instead I try to help you grow and learn in every way I can.  Most of the time I feel like I’m simply trying not to get in the way of your learning processes.  I let you fall down, which is why your knees are bruised, but I’m also there to help you back up when you’re struggling.  You struggle much less now, although you still fall down quite a bit because you’ve been practicing running.  When you do fall, you recover quickly and rarely actually cry out, even when everyone around you knows the fall should have hurt you.  Sometimes you even giggle!  It is wonderful to see that my efforts to curb my reaction and let you decide how to react for yourself is paying off.


Of course this also proves yet again that you are your own person.  I’m glad that you are teaching me this lesson slowly from the beginning, because I can see how easy it would be to fall into the trap of thinking you are like me.  In many ways you are like me, and in many more ways you are not.  I am so proud of you for that.  No matter what life lessons you walk away with, the most important lesson to me is the ability to think for yourself and be confident in your decisions.  I also want you to be responsible and accountable for those decisions.  I want you to be a whole person, and from the view I have now, you are not going to have any problem with that.


I even let you pick your own outfit this morning.  You see, I’m often indecisive and have trouble committing to a decision because I argue with myself so well.  Today is picture day at daycare, and I wanted you to look really cute for your pictures.  Now, I know that you always look cute – of that there is no doubt.  I just wanted to be able to look back and not think, “Oh, I wish I had put her in Outfit B instead of Outfit A.”  Since I just bought you knew 18-month clothing, you haven’t worn most of it, thus I don’t know which outfit looks the best on you yet.  I couldn’t decide between 2 outfits, so I let you pick.  It turns out that you were right.  I doubted your pick, so I went ahead and put Outfit B on you.  I changed my mind within minutes and put you in the outfit you picked, which was a much better choice.  I’m glad to see you have a better fashion sense than your dear mother.  Hopefully you can help me dress later.


Since we’re on the subject of clothing, I must say that I did not realize dressing you appropriately would be so stressful to me.  You seem to have your daddy’s figure – long and lean.  You’re 29 inches tall, but you weigh right around 20 pounds.  This means that your 12-month pants are just starting to fit your waist, but now you’re too tall for them!  Some of them actually look like they are capris, when in fact they are supposed to be normal length.  So, I hit the Kidstown Consignment Spring Sale and scored at least $200 worth of clothes for only $50.  I’ve been putting you mostly in 18-month clothing since then, though I need to tack the waistbands on the pants to keep them from falling down.


This month was also your second Ostara celebration, and while I thought you might actually take part in the egg hunt, that didn’t happen.  Because you refused to nap before we got to the park, you crashed out on me until the egg hunt started.  The bigger kids had already picked up most of the eggs, so we walked around picking up trash.  Thankfully you seemed just fine with that, especially since it was your idea.  Despite the wind and the cold, we had a really good time.  As always, you were a hit.  Everyone just loves you!


Speaking of those who love you, I love seeing the look of love and pride your daddy gets on his face when you squeal in greeting.  Sometimes he doesn’t get to come home until we’re getting ready for bed, and quite often you search for him several times over the course of the evening.  When he finally does come home, you squeal and light up at the sound of his voice.  It really warms my heart to see how much you love your daddy, because I love him that much, too.


You also got to see your Uncle J this month.  Since he hasn’t seen you in about a year, you really knocked his socks off.  He kept commenting about how smart and cute you are.  I’m glad you got to see him, and I’m really glad it was a good visit.


Tree Faerie, you mean the world to me.  While I do plan to give you a sibling some day, I really enjoy learning and growing with you right now.  I am in no rush, and I hope you are not either.  I will do everything I can to protect you while still allowing you to blossom.  I love you more than I could ever come close to describing, so I will do my best to show you every day.


Hugs and Kisses,



Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Broken Heart

In lieu of Wandering Wednesday, I have to get a few things off my chest.  The following post is written with tears and anger, and it may cause strong emotions in you, dear reader.  All I can say is, “Good!  It should!”  So, if you’re not in the mood to be saddened or angry, please divert your attention elsewhere.  If you decide to stick around, good luck. 


I love being a happy person.  I thrive on it, in fact.  Choosing to be happy keeps me healthy and sane.  Choosing to be happy also means I often have to avoid reading, watching, or listening to the news.  There are so many crimes against humanity that break my heart that it is impossible to maintain my happiness and still stay current with the news.  Crimes against children break my heart the most, especially now that I have my own daughter.


For some reason I have been unable to avoid the news this week, and there have been multiple stories about child abuse and neglect.  The one that has me so fired up this morning is this story.  For those of you who don’t have the time or desire to click on the link for you, let me sum it up.  A 2 year-old girl was beaten to death with a game controller by the mother’s boyfriend.  The mother overheard the abuse but did nothing about it until the girl was already unconscious!  I am shaking right now because I am SO ANGRY! 


What is wrong with people?!?  I’m having difficulty wording this post because I’ve committed to keeping the language on this blog clean, so bear with me.  According to evidence, this was not the first time this child had been abused.  The child was only 2 years old, for goodness sakes!  It doesn’t matter how angry a child can make a person, the result should never be violence!  EVER!  A 2 year-old cannot defend herself, therefore if something is going on, another person should step in and stop it!  ESPECIALLY THE CHILD’S MOTHER!!!


I’m sick right now.  Sick with anger.  Sick with sadness.  Sick with the desire to save everyone.  Sick with the desire to have the punishment be equal to the crime.  I’m almost willing to provide the punishment, even!


The anger and hurt I’m currently feeling could possibly have been fueled by the dream I had last night about Beth’s post To Audrey.  Beth, honey, you are one awesome woman, you know…


Off to find happier topics.  Thanks for listening.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Does anyone have any toothpicks?

I need them to hold my eyelids open…


Today Rowan is scheduled to get her 15-month shots. 15 months have already passed! Where does the time go? Because I couldn't get an early morning appointment, I am at work and will have to leave around 11 to go pick her up. Thankfully I got to work early because Rowan decided that 4AM was a good time to get up. I did not agree, but of course arguing about it was useless. Around 5 I finally gave up on trying to put her back to sleep and took her into the living room where I collapsed on the couch with one eye open. Rowan played and watched Playhouse Disney. Around 6:30 or so, she finally told me she wanted to eat, so I made her a waffle and got in the shower.

I got a little jealous of her while I was in the shower because she decided it was naptime. She was so cute, though, so I decided not to string her up by her toes. Once I got out of the shower, I even went and got her blankie and put it on her shoulder as a pillow. She thanked me by snoring louder.

Since I will be picking her up from daycare just as the kids are getting ready to take a nap, I'm strongly considering a trip to the house after Rowan's appointment so we can both have a nap. That idea sounds better and better as the day wears on.

Ugh. I just discovered that the cup of coffee I made before writing this post is cold, which means it was cold coming out of the carafe. Why can these people not figure out that when you put the pot on a different warming plate, you must turn it on? Oh, and 4 drops of coffee is not enough for anyone to do anything with, so dump it and make a fresh pot!

Thanks. I'm done. Wish me luck.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Seeking Motivation

I was not going to post about my attempt to lose weight, however I need a bit of motivation.  First, we’ll start with a bit of history.


For years, I was slim and strong, and at the time I was living in the country and had to help take care of a huge yard along with other projects.  I stayed fairly active and ate whatever was put before me.  After I moved to Memphis to be with DTTF, I gained 20 lbs. in 4 years.  Then I got married…


For multiple reasons, most of them surrounding my first marriage and my views on marriage, this sent me into depression.  I am an emotional eater.  Couple that with quitting smoking and I packed on the pounds.  I gained 30 lbs in 6 months. 


(If you have been doing the math, you should have come up with a weight-gain of 50 lbs in 4.5 years.)


This did not help my depression any.  Since we were getting ready to try to have a child, I knew I needed to be healthier and feel better about myself quickly.  I decided to try the Slim-Fast plan.  Surprisingly, it worked!  In 2 weeks, I had lost 12 lbs, and I was feeling great!  I kept losing 1-2 lbs a week, and then I got pregnant.


The lost weight suddenly – and I do mean suddenly – found its way back to me.  Of course, I stopped following the Slim-Fast plan because I thought one was not supposed to try to lose weight while pregnant.  Because the weight came back so quickly, I count my original weight as my pre-pregnancy weight.  During the pregnancy, I gained another 40 lbs.  I came home from the hospital after having Tree Faerie weighing the same as I did at the doctor’s office 3 days before due to “moderate” edema (or swelling). 


Within about 6 months, I was back down to my “adjusted” pre-pregnancy weight.  Since then, I’ve lost another 10, but I reached a plateau at that weight, which is still 40 lbs heavier than when DTTF and I got together.  Because Tree Faerie is starting to wean, I decided I needed to kick-start the weight loss.  I wanted to go about things sensibly, and I also knew that I needed to keep track of everything.  If I don’t keep track of everything, I can easily overdo certain things, like eating fudge from the kitchen at work (oh, I’ll just have a little bite on my way by – every single time I go by).  I have to play a numbers game to keep me on track.


Because of my results last time, and because of their awesome – and free – online tracking program, I decided to try my luck with the Slim-Fast Plan again.  I count my starting date as Monday, March 31, 2008, though I did my weigh-in on Friday.  I loved the weight the scale gave me on Friday, however when I weighed Tree Faerie the following day, somehow I’d gained 5 lbs.  I still kept my Friday weight as my starting weight, though.


Now I’m wondering if I should have re-weighed myself on Monday, because when I weighed myself this morning, there was no change in my weight from Friday to Friday.  Which I guess is a good thing because I didn’t gain weight, but it’s still not very motivating. The thing is that I feel great, and my clothes fit a bit looser (I wish I’d taken my measurements).  Yesterday was the first day I wasn’t hungry all day, so I’m starting to get used to eating better.  I have a plan, and I have control.  I’m eating practically all day long.  I need to work on fitting more exercise into my day.  In fact, fitting any intentional exercise would be nice. 


So, I’m not going to count this week as a win or loss.  I’m going to count it as a draw.  This was my “let’s see if I can do this” week.  I will continue on as planned.  I will try to make a bigger effort to be active (no rain would be nice so I could get outside), and we’ll see where that gets us by next week.  Oh, and I’ll also see what I can do about taking measurements.  I won’t beat myself up or quit over indulgences (such as the beer I plan to have tonight with a girlfriend), but will instead try to be more active to compensate for my transgressions.


Wish me luck!


Thursday, April 3, 2008

Needing a bit of funny

 Because I was needing a bit of “funny” today and found it, I thought I’d share.  Enjoy!


Real Life Adventures



Dog Eat Doug


And last but not least, for the geeks:


The Argyle Sweater


Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Wandering Wednesday 6: Let's Get Crafty

Since I really enjoyed last week’s “themed” Wandering Wednesday, I figured I would continue with that idea in mind.  This week’s theme is Crafts, notably kid crafts and activities.  I’m having the crafting itch, so you just have to bear with me. 


I know I mentioned Three Sneaky Bugs in Thursday’s post, but I feel she is worth mentioning again.  Not only does she have great felt-craft ideas, she also posts other craft ideas, kid-friendly recipes, and other activity suggestions.


Our next stop is The Artful Parent: The Intersection of Art and Parenting.  This blog has lots of wonderful craft ideas, including dying play-silks with Kook-Aid, plus numerous suggestions on how to unleash your child’s creativity.  Jean also gives us numerous ways to display our children’s craft and art projects.  She started a toddler art group with a few other moms and their toddlers, and she keeps us up to date with their activities as well.


Good + Happy Day: Inspiration for Good Parents of Happy Children is a blog “about things to do with and for children.”  Not only does this DC mom blog about craft projects, she also has great suggestions for other activities to do with kids.


The last on our tour today (sorry there are only 4 this week, but I’m out of time) is My Kid’s Art.  So far this has been my favorite stop on the tour, partially because she has her posts labeled with the ages of the children involved in the activity.  Not only can you see the outcome off a particular art project and often the comparisons between her 1-year-old and 3-year-old, you also get to sometimes see or read about the messiness of the particular activity!



Tuesday, April 1, 2008

My New Obsession

As a Virgo, I love learning about new things.  When something tickles my fancy, I learn everything I can about the subject and immerse myself in it obsessively.  Once the novelty wears off, however, I move on.  This leaves me with a multitude of unfinished projects and supplies that will never be touched again. 


Because I am very aware of this fault of mine, most of the time I do all my research before actually buying anything.  This keeps me from spending gobs of money on stuff I’ll never use if the novelty wears off quickly.  If I still have the obsession after a few weeks, I take baby steps.  I try a small project first, and if that project works out, I’ll try something bigger.


My new obsession is gardening.  I’m afraid I have a black thumb, though, because the only indoor plant I’ve been able to keep alive is the aloe plant I inherited from Random when she moved out-of-state.  The only reason it is still alive is because it lives in my bathroom.  I even managed to kill the azaleas and hostas that were established at our house when we bought it.  Apparently I was supposed to water them during the summer.  Instead, I was taking care of an infant.


I really want to redo the front flower beds and grow an herb garden in the side yard.  I have wonderful ideas in mind.  I haven’t bought anything more than gardening gloves, pruning shears, and a little trowel and rake set.  I figure my first step should be to clean up what I have, right?  If I can find the time to clean up the flower beds, then adding things to them can come later.  I spent an hour looking at gardening stuff at Wal-Mart the other day, though.  The only reason I didn’t buy any seeds or tubes is because I don’t feel ready to commit to anything in particular.  I want a plan.  I want it to be a good plan, too.  I don’t want to do this halfway, especially the front flower beds.  If we’re going to sell this house in the next couple of years, I want to be proud of what I’m selling. 


I wish someone would come hold my hand and tell me what to plant where in order to have an easy-to-maintain yet attractive flower bed.  Wanna come hold my hand?