Wednesday, August 8, 2007

And She's Gone

As of this morning, the Random Faerie Family is heading back to Denver, and while the parting last night was a sorrowful one, for some reason I actually feel closer to them. Specifically, I feel closer to Random Faerie.

When they left for Denver the first time a year and a half ago, I was afraid our relationship would cease to exist. I had a thousand reasons for this fear, including my lack of ability to keep up long-distance relationships. I figured she would be in a new city making new friends and wouldn't have time to talk to me. During my lowest self-loathing points, I thought she may even be glad to be rid of me.

We occasionally emailed back and forth, but conversations seemed strained. I would write her a long email to which I would never receive a response, so later I would write an email just asking about the main point of my email. I would usually get a response to that email and we would carry on a short conversation. I finally got to the point where I stopped trying to initiate email conversations unless I had specific questions. Each time they came to town, they always made a point to see us, but when 1,000 miles were between us, we could have been separated by an entire hemisphere.

I realized over the course of their visit many reasons for this feeling of separation. For example:

Reason 1: I would wait until I had a lot to say, then write a really long email including many topics, points, and questions. She, in turn, would begin a response to my novel-length email, responding to each topic, point, and question. Inevitably during the course of her response, she would have to walk away from the computer, often simply saving it as a draft to finish later. Because life is what it is, the draft would often never get finished. She would sometimes even think she'd sent it and wonder why *I* hadn't responded. Thus, silence ensued.

Reason 2: Because my emails were often met with silence, I stopped writing to her unless it was a specific question or point. I didn't want to seem bothersome, especially because I didn't think she missed our conversations as much as I missed them. From some of her statements over the course of her visit, in some ways I think she felt the same way.

Reason 3: We each figured the other was too busy.

While she was here, I found out she really has missed me and missed our conversations. This new-found knowledge inspired me to find ways to fix this feeling of separation. First off, I will start emailing more often as the news happens or as the thoughts occur, and she'll start sending the emails signed off with, "More later," instead of saving them as a draft. I won't worry about being bothersome anymore, either. I won't let life get in the way of keeping a highly-valued friendship strong. I will find a way to go visit her, as well.

She and her boys were here for about 10 days. We saw each other several times during their visit, and each time I relished in the comfort of our relationship. With no other female friend have I ever been so comfortable to just hang out or so free to say whatever is on my mind. It was amazing how quickly the old comfort came back.

When we said our goodbyes last night, it was all I could do to hold the tears back. As soon as their vehicle pulled away from the curb, I started losing my grip on the reins. When DTTF and I were safely back in the living room, I pulled him close and sobbed. After I cried for a few minutes, I felt better having simply let it out. He asked me several times if I was okay, and I could honestly answer that yes, I'm okay.

The difference this time is knowing that she really does miss me, which gives me more resolve to keep the relationship strong. It's no longer just for me, just my needs.

It's for both of us.

No comments: